06.05
Sweet Valley High #1: Double Love
Share the continuing story of the Wakefield twins and their friends – their laughter, heartaches, and dreams.
Look right there in the crowded hall
You’ll see there’s a beauty standing
Is she really everywhere
Or a reflection?
Damn straight I watched that awful, awful show. I watched the awful one before it, too. Breaker High? Where all the little morons are enrolled in high school… on a boat? And one time some of the girls decided to start a band, but they didn’t want to be like the Spice Girls, so they called themselves the Pepper Girls in honor of a pepper shaker in their immediate line of vision and one of them was Dr. Pepper? Was Ryan Gosling in that? God have mercy on his soul.
Back to Sweet Valley High. You don’t even know about the long term affair I had with this ridiculous series. The kidnappings, the cults, the boyfriend swapping, the cheating, the attempted murders, the evil twins and their evil twins, the fucking lavaliere necklaces. To this day I don’t know what a lavaliere is. But I know Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield both had one, just like I know they each had “sun-streaked blond hair”, “blue-green eyes that changed color depending on their moods”, “dimples in their left cheeks” and “perfect size six figures”. Because every single book in the series told me so within the first two pages.
And so begins book 1, Double Love. Jessica Wakefield, the irresponsible, selfish twat twin that never wears a watch, is dramatically listing all of her major imaginary physical flaws, like scrawny legs and knobby knees and being a size 7, while remaining completely oblivious to all of her far more pressing personality flaws, like her all-consuming self-absorption and a total lack of empathy bordering on sociopathy. Elizabeth Wakefield, the stodgy, self-righteous, doormat twin who cheats on her boyfriends religiously but who always wears a watch, patiently endures her sister’s attention whoring laments before thanking Jessica for all the kind words. Because they’re twins, right? So all this extravagant self-loathing Jessica’s spouting about being a fat, ugly, nightmare-dwelling beastie? A direct reflection on Elizabeth.
The book launches into it’s customary diatribe about the twins physical attributes and then the phone rings. It’s Todd Motherfucking Wilkins, star basketball player, and he’s looking for Elizabeth. Is she home? Todd’s in luck, because she sure is. Todd’s out of luck because Jessica answers the phone and lies through her little teeth about Elizabeth being in the shower, where she’ll be for the next several eternities, so Todd shouldn’t wait or call back. But wait, Elizabeth isn’t in the shower at all! She’s in the next room, wondering who was phone. Why would Jessica do this? Well, I think I’ve got it figured out.
Because she’s an asshole.
So Elizabeth comes in a second after Jessica hangs up and asks who called. Jessica half-lies some more about it being Todd calling to wish her luck on her Pi Beta sorority pledge. Elizabeth is just crushed. She and Todd totally made eye contact at school the other day AND they talked about chemistry, so she was just positive that they were meant to be. But it would seem he was more into Jessica all along. Now what the fuck is she going to do with this size six wedding dress? Well, bitch, here are your options: You can give it to Jessica, or Jessica can take it. Either way, you ain’t gettin’ it back.
Elizabeth changes the subject from Todd to Pi Beta, “the positively best sorority at Sweet Valley High”. Now I’m not sure why a high school would have one sorority, let alone multiple sororities, but lets keep in mind this is Sweet Valley High, where they had like 15 proms in one year, one of which ended in death. So I’m not even finna feign surprise.
It seems that today is the day that Elizabeth and Jessica find out whether or not they’ve been accepted into the sorority. They’ve completed all their dares, including ordering a pizza to their chemistry class (it should be noted that this was Elizabeth’s pledge which she didn’t want to do because a) her chemistry teacher is an abusive tyrant who terrorises his students, and b) it’s a fucking stupid disruptive stunt, but Jessica did it for her anyway), dying the mashed potatoes purple (which “grossed out” the student body panty-waists) and delivering a singing telegram to their balding principal, Mr. “Chrome Dome” Cooper.
Elizabeth doesn’t really give a damn because she only pledged at Jessica’s behest, but Jessica will clearly hang herself from the rafters if she doesn’t get in it. If she doesn’t slit her wrists in the tub first from the sheer horror of having nothing to wear. Seeing that Jessica is in great peril, Elizabeth offers up her new tuxedo shirt, which Jessica rejects on account that all is already lost. Elizabeth is about to give up but Jessica quickly relents and admits that “it’s a start” and asks if she can borrow the pants and bow tie that go with the shirt. Elizabeth allows for this, knowing already that she’ll never see her clothes again because Jessica doesn’t take care of shit.
They hit the breakfast table where Jessica harasses their father, Ned Wakefield. It seems he’ll be late again that night because he’s working a case with his partner, Marianna West. But Jessica can just shut her damn trap, because her ass is going to be late as hell, too. And not because she’s making money to support her family. She’s going to be cheerleading until 7pm. And Elizabeth will also be late because she has to do something boring for the school newspaper, The Oracle. Really, Sweet Valley High? The Oracle? Really?
Because everyone is going to be home late, it means that the twins get to utilize the family’s second vehicle, a red Fiat. Sadly their red Fiat won’t be taking them on a one way trip to the bottom of a cliff, but to school. The twins are thrilled, but Jessica’s celebration is cut short when the twin’s mother, Alice Wakefield, reminds her that she’s not allowed to drive for three weeks because of a $200 fender bender she’d been in. GASP. PERSECUTION! Jessica launches into an impassioned speech of injustice, crying “that’s not fair!” and she’ll be “humiliated like a kindergarten child” to be driven by her twin sister, who by the way, “has always been the favorite!” All this because Jessica can’t drive for one day of her life. LIFE IS CRUEL. Kill yourself.
Jessica whines halfway to school until they reach the rich part of Sweet Valley and she begins to fixate on how great it would be to be able to live among the Patmans and the Fowlers, who by the way, are at the heart of the dispute that Ned Wakefield and Marianna “Obviously a homewrecker because what else would she be doing working with a married man? NOT HER JOB” West are working on. Seems that the “old money” Patmans do not approve of the “new money” Fowlers desires to mow down all of Sweet Valley to make room for more buildings. Elizabeth and Jessica back and forth a bit about whether or not Marianna is bumping uglies with their dad (she must be, she sounded sexy that time she answered the phone) and then Jessica remembers her earlier oppression and throws a fucking huge tantrum at Elizabeth when she won’t bend to Jessica’s demands to be allowed to drive them into the parking lot. She gets out of the car and slams the door like a toddler. Elizabeth grabs her by her sun-streaked hair, twists her arm behind her back, spins her around and shatters her teeth on the windshield before throwing her to the sidewalk where she died several minutes later after a bear wandered over and ate her feels bad because Jessica is an immature fuckface shitbag.
Elizabeth wants to go talk to her friend, Enid “Worst Character Ever” Rollins, but Jessica is still pouting like a cranky infant and actually fucking forbids Elizabeth to be seen in public with “Eeny” because she doesn’t want people thinking that Elizabeth is her. Elizabeth, slap her with your ring hand. Hit her until she stops moving. Do it, Liz. I won’t tell.
I’ll tell everyone, bitch.
Abruptly, Jessica hugs Elizabeth, “forgives” her and scampers away. Elizabeth is used to Jessica’s mood swings and shrugs it off before going to talk to “Eeny”, who has something important to tell Elizabeth, but first she has to be all mysterious and “not yet” about it. I can guarantee you that this will be about some boy so all this secrecy malarkey is just wasting my time. Elizabeth also sees through this charade and asks Enid “Who is he?” Enid is impressed with Elizabeth’s superior detective skills, but lacks her own, because otherwise she would know that Elizabeth writes some pointless gossip column for The Oracle called “Eyes and Ears”. After everyone blushes for a while, Enid finally drops the bomb that some guy named Ronnie Edwards asked her out to some dance. Did you flip your fucking wig or what?
Suddenly – zoom! A red blur shoots by and parks next to Bruce Patman and his black Porsche. It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Jessica Dickhead Wakefield! That’s almost as shocking as Enid’s big secret. Turns out Jessica’s hug and forgiveness were actually just a ploy for her to swipe the keys from Elizabeth so she could drive like 3 feet and almost kill some people in the parking lot. I have absolutely no fucking idea why this asshat is so hung up on being seen driving their mom’s car, but I really want it to just hurry up and erupt in flames on some sharp rocks with Jessica in it, high on crack. It’s such a shame that Margo and Nora failed in their plot to kill these two idiots and take over their identities because those two psychopaths were INFINITELY more enjoyable to read about than these two jackasses.
Elizabeth excuses herself to go talk to Jessica. She’s helluva pissed and plans on letting Jessica have it (ring hand, Lizzie. RIIIIING HAAAAANDDD) but before she reaches her, Todd Wilkins shows up. GO AWAY FOREVER TODD. Todd probably wants to ask her out and now is as good a time as any since Jessica isn’t around to RUIN EVERYTHING, but in her place, the school bell rings. Elizabeth and Todd have time to arrange to meet later, but not for Todd to just finish his damn sentence and ask her out. He has to make a date to make a date. I hate him so much. They agree to meet after Todd’s basketball practice. Elizabeth remembers Jessica, but when she looks to the Porsche and the Fiat, Jessica is gone.
Cut to Elizabeth crawling around on the ground between classes, trying to gather her books. Jessica shows up and has good news, but no time to tell it. Instead of pistol whipping Jessica into oblivion, Elizabeth continues gathering her books. Jessica tells Elizabeth to get up off the floor before someone thinks she’s Jessica – Jessica would just die. Okay, Elizabeth, now is your chance. Stay on the floor. Roll around in the dirt while grabbing your tits violently and screaming I’M JESSICA WAKEFIELD, I’M JESSICA WAKEFIELD. Do it.
Pi Beta Alpha. Jessica, unfortunately still alive, whispers to Elizabeth that she thinks Todd is going to ask her to the dance. Elizabeth feels like she just took a punch to the ovaries. Was this your good news, Jessica? Ass. Worse yet, Elizabeth’s been accepted! She’s a Pi Beta! Jessica refuses to let Elizabeth join the ranks because her stupid name hasn’t been called yet. A bunch of other people, including Lila Fowler (Jessica’s BFF) and Enid Rollins are called, and Jessica suffers. At long last though, Jessica’s impatience is rewarded.
Then Elizabeth is late to her meeting with Todd. She rushes outside just in time to see him getting into the Fiat with Jessica and speeding away. So not only has that selfish fuckstain stolen her sister’s future boyfriend, she FUCKING STRANDED HER AT SCHOOL WHILE DRIVING A CAR SHE WAS FORBIDDEN TO DRIVE BECAUSE THE LAST TIME SHE DROVE IT, SHE WRECKED IT? Jessica Wakefield, you piece of shit.
Somehow Elizabeth gets home. Their brother, Steven Wakefield, shows up unexpectedly for a visit. He and Elizabeth happily batter each others self-esteem by calling each other “ugly” and “repulsive” and then Elizabeth gets roped into making Steven a sandwich. While he eats, they discuss Jessica. Elizabeth makes no mention of stabbing her to death with an ice pick, rolling her up in a carpet, and tossing her in the garage, but I won’t give up ho– ah fuck, she’s home. Jessica gushes at Steven about how attractive he is and then tells him her splendid news about becoming a full-fledged member of Pi Beta Alpha. She bitchily demands why Elizabeth didn’t tell him, but Elizabeth had better things to worry about – like her aching feet. They ache because she walked home from school. Jessica doesn’t get it. Steven, sensing danger, attempts to hit the bricks, but Jessica latches on to him and tries to pimp out her friend, Cara Walker. She’s really mature and totally ready to date a college man. Steven is like, “no.” Jessica keeps prying at him and he gets pissed off and leaves.
Alone together, Jessica goes full on sociopath with an elaborate lie to explain her little stunt at the school. She didn’t abandon Elizabeth, of course not, in fact, it was Elizabeth who abandoned her by getting into a car full of friends without telling Jessica. What if Alice and Ned had seen Jessica driving the car? Jessica could have gotten in trouble! That was a rotten thing to do, Elizabeth. Elizabeth tries to set her straight about how she didn’t go off with a bunch of other kids, she was LATE, and Jessica… someone hold me back… Jessica forgives her. She must have been mistaken. But enough about her heinous behavior, Steven is up to something! Let’s talk about that! No, let’s talk about Jessica and Todd! What the hell is going on with them? Nothing, Jessica just offered him a ride into town to pick up some decorations for the dance. No, he didn’t mention Elizabeth or having to meet anyone. Except he did and Jessica’s just being a conniving little shit as usual.
Jessica tries to go back to Steven and his “flaming love affair” which, Elizabeth rightly informs her, doesn’t concern any of them except Steven. Jessica accuses Elizabeth of being cold and uncaring and leaves the room. Elizabeth throws a sponge and almost hits their mother. Alice asks Elizabeth whats wrong, but make it quick, she’s got better things to do than listen to you whine. Elizabeth confesses that sometimes she gets angry. Alice understands. Steven shows up just long enough to say hello and goodbye. Alice tries to get him to stop, she hasn’t gotten a chance to talk to him yet. I thought she had a client to meet? I guess she just really didn’t want to talk to Elizabeth. Steven tells everyone that Jessica is on the phone gushing at Todd and Elizabeth flees. Happy now, Alice?
At The Oracle, Elizabeth is finding it hard to concentrate. On writing. Not so hard to concentrate on Steven and his possible “flaming love affair”, not to mention the fact that she saw her father driving around with Marianna West (I saw her dancing naked in the woods with Satan and leaving John Proctors’ house late at night with her apron askew. HARLOTRY). And there’s always the looming problem of Todd Wilkins. Elizabeth is in the middle of some unbelievably g-rated fantasy about Todd kissing her on the forehead (one it seems she’s had before, wtf) when Cara Walker shows up with some news for the “Eyes and Ears” column. News about…
JESSICA AND TODD. OMGOMGOMG I just peed a little. It’s so exciting! They’re both captains!!!!!1111 Todd of the basketball team and Jessica of the cheerleading squad! And they were seen up at Miller’s Point! Do you know what happens at Miller’s Point? People touch tongues, ewwwwwwwwwww. I mean, yaaaaay! Jessica and Todd had their tongues in each others mouths! This is fantastic! I hope somebody took pictures so I can have one to hang on my refrigerator! Oh, and one for my wallet! And one for my mom!
Cara leaves and Elizabeth writes the column about her shitheel sister and their lame ass boyfriend. Then she cries. Then the Oracle’s advisor, Mr Collins, shows up and offers Elizabeth a handkerchief and a sympathetic ear. Elizabeth tells him her woes, Mr Collins pretends to give a shit, then tells her to shut up and write her damn column. He says it much more kindly but that’s the gist of it. Some other idiot rushes in, mentions Todd, and Elizabeth races out of there in tears where she runs into… Todd Wilkins. And Jessica. Who is dropping anvils like Wile E Coyote about how everyone, absolutely everyone has a date but her. Everyone. Except her. Jessica Wakefield. She doesn’t have a date. But everyone else does. Why has God forsaken her?
Todd spots Elizabeth, calls out to her, but Elizabeth runs away. Elizabeth’s evil bitch sister doesn’t waste an opportunity, explaining Elizabeth’s departure as “always in a hurry. Always rushing off to meet some guy.” Todd asks Jessica if she explained about the other day. Jessica brushes it off, insisting that Elizabeth never listens to her anyway, she’s too busy loving the cock. So about that dance… Todd comes to and says he doesn’t know if he’s going, is Jessica? Is Elizabeth? Is Jessica sure Elizabeth already has a date? Jessica is pissed, but determined to have this boy who wants her sister. Todd comes thisclose to asking Jessica out, so, so close, then… skedaddles. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Wakefield.
Jessica decides to soothe her ego by strutting around town, encouraging strange men to ogle her. A seventeen year old boy named Rick Andover pulls up and says (brace yourselves) “Pardon me, Heaven – which way to Mars?”
THIS IS FOR YOU, RICK ANDOVER.
ALL FOR YOU.
Instead of ramming a knife into Rick’s heart, Jessica allows herself to be manipulated by his patronizing attitude (“Mommy warned you never to take rides from strangers?”) gets into his car. Rick informs her that he’s taking her on a date tomorrow at 8. He’s not asking, he’s telling her. Jessica hesitates; she’s not sure her parents will something something. Rick cuts her off, calling her Little Red Riding Hood and himself the Big Bad Wolf. What is he trying to say exactly? All I’m getting is that Grandma Wakefield better watch her back. Jessica gets out of Rick’s car at the corner, having agreed to the date, and Rick pulls away, almost colliding with Alice Wakefield. Alice offers Jessica a ride (probably to thank her for not being Elizabeth) and then has the nerve to act “uncharacteristically uptight”. Jessica equates it to Ned’s affair with Marianna West, and not to, you know, almost becoming involved in a car accident with “that wild Rick Andover”. How the hell does Alice Wakefield even know who he is? He’s seventeen? You’re a creep, lady.
The next night, Jessica is preparing for her date with Rick while Elizabeth looks on. Elizabeth correctly guesses that Jessica isn’t going to the library, which Jessica admits to, but coyly refuses to tell Elizabeth who she’s sneaking out with. Elizabeth has no choice but to assume that Jessica’s mystery date is Todd and so she cries a thousand emo tears on the inside.
Jessica meets up with Rick and he takes her to a seedy roadhouse named Kelly’s, which supposedly has “the most notorious reputation of any bar in Sweet Valley.” Once inside, Jessica completely forgets about yesterday when being ogled by strange men had magical healing qualities and is now offended by the wolf whistles and cat calls coming from the dirty mens at the bar.
Jessica and Rick pick a table and Rick orders some boilermakers, which appear to be glasses of beer coupled with whiskey. Yeah, sorry, I don’t drink. I’m gonna have to take SVH’s word on this. Anyway, Jessica starts to get skittish about being in a bar, drinking beer with a bad seed who won’t stop pawing at her and patronising her. He alternates between calling her “Heaven” and “Little Jessica”, makes constant references to “[her] mommy” (in spite of only being a year older than her) and accuses Jessica of being “all tease and no tickle” when she tries to put the kibosh on his molestations. Finally Jessica gets sick of his shit, tells him she’d have a better time with an octopus (oh, scathing) and demands to be taken home, but Rick, underage drunk/world class asshole that he is, refuses and even turns violent, grabbing her arm and trying to drag her back into the booth with him. At this point another man offers his assistance to Jessica.
And then shit gets real.
Rick takes a swing at the stranger. The stranger ducks it and clocks Rick. The cops show up and the bar owner starts shouting about pressing charges. Naturally they zero in on Jessica, who starts blubbering about getting in trouble for being a sixteen year old in a bar with that “wild” Rick Andover when she’s supposed to be a sixteen year old in the library. When asked for her name, Jessica hesitantly offers up her last name first, which the cop recognises courtesy of his niece Emily Meyer (of Droids’ fame) but mistakes her for Elizabeth. Jessica, who I hate more with every paragraph, lets it slide, instead telling the cop that, oh yeah, Emily is a great drummer. Oh, by the way, I’m Elizabeth Wakefield and I have no respect for the law. Which is still better than being Jessica Wakefield and having no respect for anything on God’s green earth.
The cop takes Jessica home, but instead of taking her up the door and turning her over to her parents, he tells her he’s going to let her off just this once, because he “believes in second chances”. Jessica is so relieved that she temporarily forgets that she’s the scum of the earth and feels guilty about letting the cop believe that she’s Elizabeth. Before she can correct him, however, he pulls away without hearing her. Jessica rushes inside without looking around and therefore misses her neighbor, town gossip Caroline Pearce, walking her poodle. Oh Jesus, no, not Caroline Pearce!
The next morning Elizabeth is lying in bed feeling miserable because Milquetoast Wilkins doesn’t wuv her and doesn’t want to kiss her forehead. She finally rouses herself from her own despair by reminding herself that she has a test in Mr Russo’s class. Personally, that would only further depress me, but whatever, Liz. On her way out of the house, Elizabeth runs into Jessica, but doesn’t have time for Jessica’s trivial tales of stolen identity. Doesn’t matter, thanks to Caroline, Elizabeth will know soon enough. Or not? People in this series like nothing more than a good misunderstanding.
At school Elizabeth runs into Enid again, who has something absolutely vital to tell her. About Elizabeth’s newly acquired drinking habit, perhaps? Before she can reach Enid, though, Bruce Patman cuts her off and congratulates her on being “totally awesome”. Because what could be more “totally awesome” than underage drinking, bar brawls, and being arrested? I don’t even know. Being murdered, maybe. At any rate, Elizabeth is like “oh, Bruce, you silly piece of shit” and brushes by him to go meet Enid. Enid is about to tell Elizabeth about how rumor has it that Elizabeth Wakefield is leading a double life as a bar hopping hussy, but before she can, she sees Ronnie and decides that her new boyfriend >>> her long term best friend.
Ronnie is totally pissed that he caught Enid talking to Elizabeth. Hasn’t Enid heard? Ronnie’s a controlling little snot and Elizabeth brushes her teeth with a bottle of Jack. Should I even be using those lyrics? Will Ke$ha still be relevant by the time I publish this? I ain’t scared.
Unaware of the rumors swirling around about her outrageous behavior, Elizabeth spends her entire day wondering just what in the blue hell has gotten into the student body at SVH. Rather than ask anyone why they’re all staring and talking about her, she just suffers through the day and then goes home to find her mom arguing with Steven. Seems Steven was supposed to go back to school the night before, and yet, here he is. Steven flips his shit because people are saying words at him and runs out of the house. Alice and Elizabeth are both perplexed by his behavior. Then Alice realises that she and Elizabeth are alone together and promptly excuses herself on account of the fact that she has a client to meet. Also, their father will be working late. Again.
Enid calls and finally tells Elizabeth about the rumors going around, but assures Elizabeth that no matter how out of control Elizabeth’s alcoholism becomes, Enid will always be her friend. At first Elizabeth is confused about why exactly Caroline Pearce would tell lies about her, then she puts two-and-two together and realises that hurr durr, there’s only three other people on earth who look exactly like her and assume her identity at their convenience. And two of them won’t show up for another 99 books. Elizabeth hangs up the phone and waits for the rat bastard she calls her twin sister to come home and explain herself.
Which doesn’t take long. Jessica bursts into the house, panicking about some news that will ruin the family. And no, it’s not Elizabeth’s deviant behavior. It’s Steven’s! The filthy degenerate is dating Betsy Martin! Betsy Martin, Sweet Valley’s most notorious junkie slut and her alcoholic father! Hey, maybe Steven can hook him up with Elizabeth. Since Todd doesn’t want her and everything. Jessica wails about being “ruined!”, much like, oh, I don’t know, Elizabeth’s pristine reputation? Oh that. Well, Jessica doesn’t want to talk about that. Which is just too damned bad, Elizabeth isn’t going to let her worm her way out of this one.
Cornered, Jessica blames Rick entirely, saying that he dragged her into Kelly’s against her will and that she honestly tried to correct the cop about her true identity. Which, to be fair, she did. After she was in the clear and it was safe to be Jessica again. So much hate. But she swears she’ll clear Elizabeth’s good name, even if it “ruins” her, which is just such a big offer, I mean really, that’s just so generous to take the blame for something you did and then let your sister take the fall for. On the other hand, Steven’s already ruining the Wakefield name, so maybe it’s not such a generous offer after all? How many different ways can it really be soiled?
But it’s not even like it matters, right? I mean, it’s only Elizabeth’s life. Something will probably come along tomorrow and everyone will magically forget that Elizabeth Wakefield is a raging alcoholic cocktease delinquent and everything will go back to normal. And this being Sweet Valley, this is actually entirely possible. But Elizabeth doesn’t even care about the whole world thinking she’s an Out of Control Teen. Jessica, sensing weakness and happy to exploit it if it means getting herself out of trouble, presses her advantage, reminding Elizabeth that her true friends won’t believe the gossip. True friends like “wimpy Rollins”, who Jessica doesn’t like because she doesn’t like Elizabeth being close friends with anyone but her. I can’t even imagine a more selfish and immoral person, to be honest. Pennywise the Clown could take lessons on how to be a total malicious dick from Jessica Wakefield. And he tore a little boy’s arm off and left him dead in the gutter just because. Quite frankly, all Its fault’s aside, I’m still pretty sure he’d be a better friend to Elizabeth than her own twin sister.
Elizabeth agrees with Jessica that Enid will stick by her. Jessica suggests telling Elizabeth’s buddy Todd Wilkins instead. Elizabeth takes offense to the use of the term “buddies”, because Todd Wilkins totally gives her the vapors, and any boy who can make her spontaneously orgasm at the mere sound of his name has got to be more than a mere buddy? Well, no. She concedes that she and Todd are merely friends and Jessica “wins”. To celebrate, she promises Elizabeth she’ll tell Todd the truth, because she can’t stand the thought of Todd being mad at Elizabeth. I mean, wouldn’t that be totally zomg awkward when Todd comes by to take Jessica out on dates and marry her and shit? Ugh. Jessica Wakefield is a vile cunt. I could possibly tolerate this if Todd turned out to be a Fear Street refugee who is secretly a violent murderer who kills overtly flirtatious girls because they remind him too much of his mom, but he isn’t.
Cut to Ronnie and Enid at the beach. Todd’s there, too, but only because he’s pathetic. Things are going okay until Ronnie notices he hasn’t judged anyone in a while so he brings up Elizabeth and Rick Andover. Todd is just crushed. Ronnie rubs salt in the wound about how Andover is a “beast” and he can’t believe Elizabeth. Enid tries to tell him that she doesn’t believe the rumors because Elizabeth denied them. Ronnie hurr durrs at Enid for being naive enough to believe anything her best friend would say. Obviously it makes a lot more sense to believe any damn thing you hear, as long as it’s not coming from someone you can actually trust. Todd and Ronnie agree that sometimes people turn out to be something they’re not, and Enid hits the roof, insisting that there must be some other explanation. LIKE A FUCKING SELFISH TWAT OF A TWIN SISTER WHO WOULDN’T HESITATE TO THROW HER OWN SISTER UNDER THE BUS FOR ANY PURPOSE WHATSOEVER? Why in the hell is nobody jumping to the obvious conclusion here? Christ Almighty. Anyway, Enid continues her crusade, pleading with Ronnie that sometimes people make mistakes, but they can be forgiven. Ronnie counters by informing her that some things are unforgivable. Like a single teenage girl going out on a date with boy. THROW THE FIRST STONE, RONNIE, FOR YOU ARE WITHOUT SIN. Todd asks Ronnie where he got his information. Ronnie assures him he heard it from at least three people. None of whom were actually there, but they’re saying words, aren’t they? Ronnie’s not here to argue, only to condemn. Enid pleads some more, asking if a mistake made by a true friend can’t somehow be forgiven? Todd doesn’t know; Ronnie would never speak to that bitch again. Enid knows then that Ronnie must never find out…
Back to Elizabeth and Jessica. Jessica is patting herself on the back for her psychic predictions coming true: EVERYONE has forgotten all about Elizabeth being a dirty drunk. EXCEPT THEY HAVEN’T. Elizabeth tries to argue this with Jessica, but Jessica dismisses Elizabeth’s claims of remaining the school pariah because nobody’s talked to Jessica about it in days. So what if people are still whispering and looking at Elizabeth funny, or stopping their conversations when she walks by? What difference does it make if people are leaving Elizabeth nasty messages on the Oracle’s chalkboard about shady dealings involving the lack of Elizabeth’s drunken escapades being reported in the school paper? Never mind the fact that that shit really doesn’t belong in the damned school paper anyway? We’re not asking ourselves the important questions here, people. What we should really be asking ourselves is, how does this affect Jessica? It doesn’t! That makes everything okay again!
Elizabeth mopes for a bit because Todd still believes that she’s a filthy lush. Jessica’s mainly concerned that Elizabeth isn’t going to tattle on her to her parents. Elizabeth should not only do this, she should run a big fucking editorial in the school paper, since Jessica can’t be trusted to do anything that doesn’t directly benefit herself. But Elizabeth won’t. In fact, Jessica gets all huggy on her for being such a wonderful doormat and Elizabeth gets all weepy back about how Jessica is also wonderful and deserves everything. Personally, the only thing I think she deserves is to eat shit and die. Show of hands for those who agree with me? No fair voting twice, Ronnie. Ronnie? Ronnie, put down gun. RONNIE, Ronnie — don’t turn this into a hostage situation, Ronnie. You can’t win. Nobody here is worth saving, and I think you know that.
The twins skedaddle off to school where Kellysgate actually is dying down in favor of news that Lila’s father is taking over the football field to put up a factory. A factory. I don’t even know, really. I hate everyone in Sweet Valley so much that even something that blatantly asinine might be amusing if only because everyone involved will cry themselves to sleep every night for the rest of their sorry lives and never get over it. I hope it’s a fucking brewery for Elizabeth’s sake because the smell of those things could gag a maggot, holy shit.
Winston Egbert (celebrated class “clown” in spite of being about as funny as AIDs infected puppies) shows up and tells Elizabeth that George Fowler is taking over the football field. Dana Larson (lead singer of the popular SV band, The Droids) argues that it’s actually Bruce Patman’s father who owns the football field, and he’s going to be putting in an amusement park. Although, I could have sworn that the Patmans’ were “old money” and wanted to keep every stone in place for all eternity? Burn in Hell, continuity. Winston dashes off to tell everyone that Disneyland is coming to Sweet Valley’s football field. Burn in Hell, football players. That will teach you to be the subject of Varsity Blues. You are a waste of Jon Voight’s character’s steroids and I think I’m going to buy the football field myself and let my dog shit on it.
Elizabeth refuses to believe those wacky rumors and goes to ask Mr Collins whats really going down. Seems that the school’s lease on the field ran out and now MISTA Fowler is trying to buy it up to build a new factory across from the school. I changed my mind about it being a brewery, btw. What this town needs is Soylent Green.
Anyway, the Patmans heard about this and got the sale blocked, which Elizabeth takes to be a good thing, because she is an idiot. The Patmans don’t want the football players on the field either; they want to plant a big English garden like it was back in 1916 and people were just settling Sweet Valley. Basically what all this means is, nobody gets to use the field for any reason until things settle down and it’s Elizabeth’s job to report it, since the usual news reporter is too busy covering a game that might not ever happen.
Outside the school is rallying together in the hopes that between the hundreds of people present, they might be able to scrape together enough brain matter to think of a way to handle this. But all they really do is cheer a lot and shout about DEYTOOKERFIELDSSSS. They finalize their non-battle plan with the school quarterback, Ken Matthews, asserting that the field IS theirs. ORLY KEN MATTHEWS? ARE YOU PAYING FOR IT? IS ANYONE PAYING FOR IT? People are trying to pay for it, but as of right now, the field, she belongs to no man.
Inside the school, the school dietitian (…) notices the big hullabaloo outside and rushes off to find the coach. The coach is just like, stupid woman, my boys are just high-spirited.
Back outside, Jessica and the cheerleaders are on round 2 of “what do we do?” since round 1 was such a rousing success. Todd proposes a sit-in on the field. See how my Soylent Green factory makes sense now? They can mow these entitled little dipshits down and then recycle the bodies. Everybody wins! The students take off to go sit on the field because this is way more important than an education, absolutely. “Chrome Dome” Cooper watches impotently from his window. Elizabeth takes notes on “the most exciting story ever to hit campus”. EXTRA, EXTRA, READ ALL ABOUT IT: PEOPLE PUT THEIR ASSES ON THE GROUND IN EPIC GROUP TANTRUM. Scandalous. But wait, there’s more: Students have Lila and Bruce cornered and are heckling them for their parents’ decisions! Winston wants to know if Lila’s family isn’t rich enough? Bruce thinks factories are gross; Emily Mayer thinks gardens are gross. Bruce takes a swipe at the football team and Jessica calls him out on his lack of school spirit, which is interesting, because come Jungle Prom time, Bruce will be ready to ride or die for his school. Jessica calls him a disgrace, and hey, speaking of disgrace, let’s publicly humiliate Elizabeth for no apparent reason! And in case that’s not enough, let’s talk about their father’s sex life! How does Bruce even know these things? He actually refers to Marianna West by name. Bruce gets off a zinger about Marianna West working on the couch, then that little killjoy Todd cuts in and reminds everyone why they’re cutting school in the first place — to cheer loudly at misplaced declarations of possession. While everyone is cheering, Elizabeth reflects back on an quasi-argument she’d witnessed between her parents where Ned Wakefield sniped at Alice Wakefield about how she’s too busy with her work. It could be just some run-of-the-mill argument… or it could be an indication of something far more sinister.
Elizabeth is finishing up her notes when Todd appears. They briefly attempt small-talk about the football field drama and Elizabeth’s future as a reporter. lmao right. Jessica intervenes and drags Todd off with ~important news. Elizabeth returns to the Oracle office and writes her stupid little article. Todd walks with Jessica and moons over Elizabeth. Jessica chalks this up to him being “dense”, when in fact it’s him being in love with her sister. Naturally conversation turns to Elizabeth and Jessica takes a stab at redemption, finally confessing to Todd that it wasn’t actually Elizabeth at Kelly’s, it was her. Todd goes full retard and completely misinterprets and dismisses Jessica’s entire confession. Rather than turning away from Jessica in disgust for letting Elizabeth take the fall for her, Todd declares his affection for Jessica and asks her to the Pi Beta dance.
Inside, Elizabeth runs into Winston who tells her in graphic detail all about how deeply erotic the entire scene between Jessica and Todd had been – they were totally touching each other. These are the things that pornography is made of. Talk turns to the dance. Elizabeth still has no date. But wait, Bruce shows up at exactly that second and informs “Roadhouse Rhoda” that she is now his type (Easy? Drunk? With a police record?) and asks to take her to the dance. Elizabeth gets all bent out of shape and snaps at Bruce that she already has a date. Bruce scoffs at this idea, but then Winston jumps in with the shocking revelation that HE’S Elizabeth’s date. Bruce finds this even more ludacris than Elizabeth having a date to begin with, calling Winston “a joke”. Yeah, well, if Winston is “a joke”, then Bruce is “an insult”. Siq burn. Bruce “The Insult” Patman is deeply offended and throws out some idle threats about putting Winston in a trash can, but Elizabeth cuts in and tells Bruce that it’s true, she is going to the dance with Winston. They walk off and leave Bruce to sit in his car, shocked. Winston apologizes for suggesting that Elizabeth would ever date him, he was just so angry at Bruce for saying words. Elizabeth wonders if Winston is standing her up. They iron out the details on their date and Winston takes off across campus, “screaming like a deranged chimpanzee”. This is Sweet Valley High’s “class clown”, you guys. A fucking deranged chimpanzee. Far from being mortified by this display, Elizabeth laughs and assures herself that she’ll have a good time at the dance with Winston. I think she’d have a better time slapping infants, but whatever. I guess when Jessica Wakefield is your twin sister, you naturally develop a high tolerance for epic levels of fuckery.
The next day at the Wakefield house…
Elizabeth is eating breakfast when Jessica bursts in to shit all over her life with the news that she told Todd everything, and he still asked her to the dance. Isn’t that wonderful? The boy you love, Elizabeth, he’s in love with anotha! Doesn’t that just thrill you? Not really. Elizabeth’s pretty sure that, at age sixteen and facing her first real (and relatively minor) rejection, that the world has ended and she’ll grow old and die alone without even a deranged chimpanzee to keep her company. Wait, did I just say Winston wouldn’t be there? Well, I guess there really IS a silver lining after all. But Jessica being Jessica and Elizabeth not being Jessica, Jessica can’t be bothered to notice Elizabeth’s despair and demands to know where their mother is so she call tell her all about how she stole Elizabeth’s twu wuv. Alas, Alice is at another meeting, which means she’s not making Jessica’s dinner, which means Jessica will have to help make dinner herself. It is a harrowing and cruel position to find herself in. No way around it, Alice Wakefield has RUINED Jessica’s day. Elizabeth fails to counter with a reminder that Jessica ruined Elizabeth’s reputation, allowing Jessica to work herself up into “the rage of the century”. jfc, get a livejournal, Jessica. However, it fizzles out when Elizabeth promises that the world does in fact revolve around Jessica and will continue to do so, and Jessica informs Elizabeth that the real reason she wants to talk to Alice is to coerce her into buying Jessica a new dress for the dance. A new dress that is “slinky”, “blue”, “has a handkerchief hemline”, whatever the fuck that is, “spaghetti straps” and “a neckline so low Todd will be panting”. But only if Elizabeth wears it, ha. Steven shows up unexpectedly and asks to join them for dinner since his plans for the evening have failed him. Questions are asked, Steven flips out, Jessica accuses everyone of being “boring, boring, boring!” and attempts to storm out, but before she can, she has to turn around and rake everyone across the coals: All Elizabeth does is mope, Steven isn’t much better, and Jessica was humiliated at school by her father’s indiscretions. Steven is like “wat” and both the girls list off a bunch of vague reasons for why their father absolutely must be having an affair, like the fact that he’s working with a coworker. Treacherous man! Steven, thankfully, sees through this trumped up bullshit and tells them both to stop being hysterics and try believing in their father. Jessica goes for blood because of course Steven is sticking up for Ned, they both have bad taste in women. Steven? Not amused. Jessica? A smelly pirate hooker. Instead of apologizing or explaining, she starts crying about how it’s supposed to be HER special day and the entire family is trying to ruin it. Never mind the fact that Jessica herself is throwing tantrums because her parents are too busy working to support them to sit at home all day waiting at home to spontaneously throw her parades, and rumor-mongering about said parents, never mind I say! Jessica Wakefield is responsible for nothing!
Things almost get ugly, but Elizabeth butts in and tells Steven that she and Jessica know all about him and Betsy Martin, resident junky slut. Steven sets their silly alarmist asses straight: He’s in love with Betsy’s sister, Tricia. Elizabeth is relieved. Jessica snipes about how Tricia is “still a Martin”. And you’re still a smelly pirate hooker. But not to worry, SPH, Tricia is no longer a threat, because Steven, in love with her though he was, was also ashamed of her and wanted to keep their love underground. Tricia breaks up with him – forever. Woe is the Wakefield family, they are fail.
Suddenly, it’s the evening before the dance, and Jessica is shitting bricks about Elizabeth going to the dance with Winston Egbert. Elizabeth doesn’t understand Jessica’s outrage; Winston may be ugly, but at least he’s not a total monster. He’s also not romantic, which, thank God. Keep those genes to yourself, you evolutionary disaster. Jessica, eternal irredeemable she-bitch that she is, can’t possibly get off Elizabeth’s ass for even one night, asks Elizabeth is she even really wants to go to the dance with Winston, or if nobody else asked her. Elizabeth casually drops the Bruce bomb and Jessica nearly blacks out. Bruce is sooooo handsome and rich and drives a Porsche and calls Elizabeth a drunken slut, he is everything a man should be! Elizabeth wonders if Jessica would rather go to the dance with Bruce than Todd, which, yes, she would, but she claims that she just wishes Todd drove a better car. I wish he’d drive a better car over her. All too late, Jessica suddenly develops a conscience and tells Elizabeth that if her dating Todd bothers her, she won’t date him anymore. I find this all rather hard to believe, especially since I know what’s coming next.
Blah blah blah, Jessica uses all the hot water, Elizabeth pretends that Jessica looks terrible, then takes it back.
Todd arrives at the Wakefield’s house and almost announces himself as Elizabeth’s date. Winston arrives. Elizabeth descends wearing white and Winston proclaims that he’s died (I wish) and gone to Heaven, and also, Elizabeth is totally just totally. Elizabeth, apparently suffering brain damage or at the very least a closet Tina Fey fan, finds this uproariously funny, so funny in fact that she threatens to kill Winston. Alice Wakefield smiles because her child is happy enough to commit crimes. Jessica remains upstairs, pissed off because Winston somehow ruined her entrance. Does a minute go by in this child’s life where it isn’t utterly ruined? Elizabeth and Winston leave, leaving Todd to stew in his own misery. Jessica finally deigns to make her appearance. Todd’s reaction is significantly less bombastic than Winston’s, as he finds that Jessica, in spite of securing the coveted blue dress and using all the hot water, is merely “pretty”. Soon she too will be homicidal.
At the dance, Jessica is simpering and swooning all over Todd, who finds this “nice”. Jessica can’t figure out why the hell Todd isn’t drooling all over her, although she seems aware enough of what might be the problem to alert Todd to the fact that Bruce Patman invited Elizabeth to the dance. Actually, he invited her to make a brief appearance so everyone could see Bruce with her, then to join him for a night of sad and awkward sex. Todd tries to soothe his butthurt by asking Jessica for a dance. Across the dance floor, Elizabeth is ruining Winston’s night by standing against the wall making goo-goo eyes at Todd. She agrees to dance, but in between massacring her toes, he deduces that Elizabeth and Todd have feelings for each other. Elizabeth is thrilled that Winston noticed Todd ogling her. Winston then shares with Elizabeth the kinds of girls he usually gets set up with: morbidly obese midgets who have to eat their greasy fast food off the floor. Elizabeth finds this predicament funny, because really, lol, fatties and midgets aren’t people, they’re hilarious.
Todd ogles Elizabeth. Jessica gets pissed and swears revenge. Remains a smelly pirate hooker while doing so.
After the dance, Winston takes Elizabeth home and Todd drops Jessica off with a peck on the cheek. This is so thoroughly infuriating and insulting to Jessica that she swears she’ll get even with him if it’s the last thing she does. Really. Todd Wilkins failed to put his tongue in her mouth, so now she’s going to accuse him of attempted rape, because that’s not a serious accusation at all. Really. Refusal to grope is a punishable offense.
In Elizabeth’s room, Jessica spins an especially heinous tale about having to fight Todd off because he just wouldn’t take no for an answer. Did you think I was making that attempted rape thing up? You stay innocent. Meanwhile, Jessica finishes up her little story, but not her martyrdom. You see, she’s only telling Elizabeth this to protect her.
Did you hear that just now? Did you? That is the sound of Jessica Wakefield hitting new lows.
Steven Wakefield is bundled up in his darkened bedroom when Ned Wakefield comes in to drag him downstairs so that he and Alice can pry in his private affairs. Which they’ve already pried out of the twins. Blah blah blah, Steven loves Tricia, Tricia hates Steven, the horror, the horror. Alice and Ned convince Steven to tell Tricia the truth of how he feels about her. Steven thinks this is a fantastic and original idea. He rushes to the Martin’s hovel and tells Tricia he loves her. Surprise, she loves him, too. He invites her to dinner at the Dairi Burger. Dinner at the Dairi Burger turns out just fine. At the very least, the entire town didn’t point and scream THERE’S STEVEN WAKEFIELD WITH THAT MARTIN GIRL, LETS VICIOUSLY OSTRACIZE HIM. On the way home, he drives by Marianna West’s house just in time to see his dad getting out of Marianna’s car. Such deviant behavior! Steven conjures up a harrowing image of his mother waiting up for Ned to come home… if Ned bothers to come home at all.
IS THAT STEVEN WAKEFIELD WITH TRICIA MARTIN?
To be fair, if these were my kids, I’d go away and never return, too.
Some new day, Elizabeth is tallying up the tragedies. Let’s recount: Ned Wakefield and Marianna West have combined the powers of their genitalia against the evil forces of the factories and gardens so that the good of the football team may triumph. Also, Todd Wilkins is a rapist. Worse yet, Mr No Means Yes is now actively pursuing her, asking her out to eat and slipping her notes in class. Elizabeth gives him the cold shoulder, which is very perplexing to him, because he doesn’t know that he tried to force himself on Jessica yet. Worst of all? Elizabeth is still in charge of writing that article about the field drama, which means she’s going to have to go witness the court proceedings, which means watching her father interact sexin’ on “that woman”. It’s just not your life, is it, Liz?
Then Todd calls. He wants Elizabeth to know he “forgives” her. For what? For his belief that a single girl would go on a date with a single guy? Regardless of whether or not Elizabeth really was an underage lush running with a rough crowd, stfu Todd Wilkins. You are owed nothing and can wrap your “forgiveness” in sandpaper and shove it sideways up your ass. Anyway, Elizabeth can’t believe Todd still believes that she accompanied Rick Andover to a seedy bar. Didn’t Jessica tell him the truth? She did, but Todd didn’t believe her, either. But you guize, he’s trying to keep his cool here. Why can’t Elizabeth just cry a thousand tears of joy for Todd’s gift? What an asshole she is to not accept such a treasure from someone she believes attacked her sister who believes she herself is a bar fly who must throw herself on his mercy. At any rate, Elizabeth tells him off. Forever!
Cut to Elizabeth (Sweet Valley High’s Barbra Walters? Don’t make me cringe) at the courthouse for the Fowler vs the Board of Education hearing. George Fowler is also there, looking “sinister and determined”. Marianna and Ned Wakefield are also there, and get this: THEY’RE FUCKING… talking. Then that scorpion woman Marianna has the audacity to speak! Let’s kill her.
Court proceedings. Everyone has their say. Marianna West takes over for Sweet Valley High, and much to Elizabeth’s surprise, actually seems to know what she’s talking about. But how can this be? Shouldn’t she have been too busy breaking up the Wakefield family to do her job? I, for one, am astounded. Elizabeth spends the next couple of pages waffling back and forth on whether or not she believes that her dad is porking Marianna on the sly. Her reasoning is a lot like a kid pulling petals off a flower, trying to decide whether they’re loved or not. Marianna did her job, she’s a whore not. Marianna is talking to her dad, she’s a whore. Marianna talks to Elizabeth, she’s a whore not. Marianna has a vagina, she’s a whore.
Sweet Valley High wins and gets to keep their stupid field that they were stupid enough to let the lease run out on in the first place. Everyone is pleased as punch, except for Elizabeth, who is depressed because Ned is leaving the family for Marianna. This is proven further when Elizabeth gets home and Alice asks her to set the table for dinner – which Marianna will be joining them for. And guess what else? Ned has a big announcement! It can only be one thing: NED WAKEFIELD IS DIVORCING HIS WIFE FOR ANOTHER WOMAN. Pass the potatoes.
I’m seriously taking issue with the fact that Elizabeth would be fucking ridiculous enough to honestly believe her dad would announce his infidelity over dinner with the family.
Hysteria ensues. Elizabeth drags Jessica into her room with news that “it’s the end of the world”! Steven shows up and is bombarded with news of “a crisis”. Elizabeth fills him in on the fact that Ned is planning on making an announcement at dinner, and while she has no idea what he plans on saying, but “under the circumstances, it must be terrible”. Steven compounds the issue: he invited Tricia over for dinner. Jessica screeches about it being the worst day in her entire existence and leaves the room.
Chowtime. Alice Wakefield has prepared a feast. Steven couldn’t get hold of Tricia to tell her not to come over. Has the gall to compare his parents possible impending divorce to Tricia’s mother dying of cancer when she was a child, leaving the family in shambles. Everyone is on pins and needles waiting for all hell to break loose. Finally, Ned makes his big, terrible, apocalyptic announcement: Marianna West has been made a partner at the firm! GOD IN HEAVEN.
Dairi Burger. Elizabeth and Enid are waiting for their food when Enid spots Todd and Emily Mayer across the room and tries to usher Elizabeth out. Elizabeth sees them anyway and tries to convince herself and Enid that she doesn’t care. They eat and scram.
Pain is a bird nesting in Elizabeth’s heart. She dates Ken Matthews, Jessica disapproves, possibly wants Ken for herself. Everyone goes out for hamburgers. Elizabeth and Todd ignore each other. On the drive home, a black car starts tailing the twins and scares the dickens out of them. It’s Rick Andover in a rented vehicle. Elizabeth notices he’s drunk, which spurns him to jump into the car with the twins, forcing Jessica out of the driver’s seat so he can take them back to the Dairi Burger from whence they came. At the DB, Rick nearly mows some people down. Todd comes out and sees how terrified they are, so he jumps in his car and takes off after them, catching up with them just outside of Kelly’s. Todd and Rick fight briefly, of course Todd triumphs. The twins are beside themselves. Jessica remarks that she never wants to see Kelly’s again, and that it’s even worse inside, prompting Todd to give her a funny look. What, shitbag? She told you it was her at the bar and not Elizabeth, you were the one who declined to belief. Todd drives them home and tries to ask Jessica what she meant about never wanting to see the inside of Kelly’s again because the fucking birdbrain just doesn’t get it. Jessica ditches the two of them, which is foolish, because now they’re finally free to compare notes. They manage to work it out between the two of them that Jessica has been lying and scheming and keeping them apart. Rather than going upstairs and tossing Jessica out of a window, they laugh and kiss.
Inside, Elizabeth attempts to interrogate Jessica. It’s pretty much a retread of the entire book. Jessica bursts into tears, trying again to excuse the Kelly’s incident by weeping about how she’d be kicked off the cheerleader squad if anyone found out about her. Elizabeth manages to refrain from strangling Jessica until she stops thrashing, choosing instead to forgive her morally reprehensible half. But not before she gets her revenge.
Some rally. Elizabeth and Jessica are getting ready for it when Elizabeth “accidentally” dumps water all over Jessica. Jessica wails about Elizabeth being clumsy and not having anything else to wear, but never fear, Elizabeth just so happens to have an outfit on hand that Jessica has been dying to borrow. Jessica makes a comment about how, if she didn’t know any better, she’d think she was Elizabeth and Elizabeth was her. Can you guess where this dreck is going?
At the rally, Elizabeth runs off to go talk to the Droids. Dana mistakes her for Jessica, which is exactly what Elizabeth was going for. “Jessica” snitches to Dana that Elizabeth is the writer behind the “Eyes and Ears” column. wtf why? Oh right, because it’s some moronic school tradition that the writer of that particular column be unmasked and tossed into the pool. Dana makes the announcement and the Gladiators converge on “Elizabeth”, dismissing her denials with some shit about “we saw your sexy sister talking to Dana”. Whatever. Jessica gets dunked and is furious, swearing that she’ll never forgive Elizabeth her treachery. Big loss. Elizabeth and Todd laugh and turn their backs on her.
Finally, Elizabeth is at home when the door bell rings. It’s Enid. She’s freaked out. She has a dark secret that Ronnie can never find out about because he will judge the everloving fuck out of her. Why, whatever could it be I wonder? Looks like we won’t find out until #2 Secrets.
THE END.
Die Softly by Christopher Pike